developmental needs

Teaching our older children winning ways to say no to peers

The word no often seems to be one of the first words out of the mouths of young children. In fact, parents may hear the word no far earlier and far more often than they prefer.  But as children grow older and want to fit in and belong with other children, they may continue to say no to adults, but have increasing difficulty saying no to their peers.

Many young people feel tremendous peer pressure on a wide front.  That’s why saying no to their peers is not a simple matter for them.  They may fear that they will be rejected or branded in negative ways if they do.  As parents, teachers, and other caring adults we need to give students some strategies for saying no, and suggest appealing and convincing words they can use in the various situations they face.

First, capitalize on the fact that just as young people want to be a part of the group, they also have a strong need for autonomy.  They want to be seen as individuals.  They want to assert themselves.  Therefore, tell them that they always need to establish their individuality, and they can do so without offending classmates or losing friends.  It’s all a matter of style.  Suggest they say simply, ”Nope, I’m not interested” or “That’s not my style” or “That’s not for me.”  Also tell them to add “No thanks,” nobody should be offended. Read More…

Children Need to feel Loved and Appreciated

 
Former president Jimmy Carter was seventy years old when he wrote this poem about his father:
This is a pain I mostly hide,
 but ties of blood, or seed endure,
and even now I feel inside
the hunger for his outstretched hand,
a man’s embrace to take me in,
the need for just a word of praise.
 
 
 
Isn’t it extraordinary that even after a life of monumental achievements, Mr. Carter still feels pain when he thinks of his father who either could not feel or would not express love and approval. Unfortunately, there are lots of people in Mr. Carter’s shoes, left with bitter feelings and enduring wounds inflicted by their parents.
 
Yet not all bad parents are bad people. Caring parents can unintentionally injure children through excessive harshness or permissiveness or through well-intended criticism and advice that comes out as relentless disapproval or oppressive negativity. Kids not only need to know they’re loved; they need to feel worthy of our love. They need to be valued not simply because they’re ours, but because of who (who’s) they are.
 
It’s never too late to try to fix whatever is broken:
  1. Consider expressing caring, pride and approval more lavishly and often.
  2. Be less critical, more helpful, less controlling.
  3. Set aside your need to be right, be less self-righteous and more respectful to the people you love.
  4. Be sincerely accountable and genuinely apologize even if whatever you do may not be enough.
It’s not always possible to fix things that are broken, but it’s worth a try.  Remember the promise of EASTER, the promise that the Lord has paid the price for our imperfections.  
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